If the Rain Must Fall ...

I was listening to this song the other day and for the first time it `grabbed`my heart strings!! The rain may fall in our lives and :

Oh life can be strange
Good and bad in so many ways
And in time you will find
That things are not always what they seem ...

Words from - James Morrison - If the Rain Must fall:

But if the rain must fall
If I lose it all
If the world comes down
and takes my soul
And theres no, no way back
It won't matter much to me
If I had you
All I need is your love
That's all I need
All I need is your love ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqJyz1lPN7U

Without the love and support of others then this cancer would have been nothing but a BIG grey cloud, but thankfully times have not all been grey and as a family we have still had sunshine, happiness and a dash of madness.

I especially dedicate this song to Andrew; who has shared in my `rain`and still given me love, David and Harriet for continuing to make me smile, love and share happy times. A special mention to `looking good Babe` for helping me to laugh in the face of the silly cancer.

So lets continue to party to the end ....and mines a large Cabernet savignon please!!

Love
Kathryn X

Well what can you say??

Felt quite strange when I was told at the Marsden in December that my disease was `stable`at the moment. What does that mean? - well nothing much is happening as far as they are concerned and the CT shows very little or no change. However I did not jump up and down with glee (no not the singing programme type), but felt rather deflated. Why? - because I have been here before and it never seems that long until this damn cancer does throw something back at me. Also to be honest it did not help that we had lost three friends (who I had made through setting up the East Midlands Sarcoma Support Group), to this damn disease in the short time period of 8 weeks. So how come I am so good at cheating death at the moment?? Though to be honest I can not dwell on this for a long time as I am happy to be alive, laughing and loving and do not want to waste precious time. Those that we have lost were people that `lived life`and enjoyed it and we joked that the party must go on if someone dies. I truly believe that those that we love never leave our hearts.

So a couple of weeks ago I was feeling increasingly breathless (walking 100yards or upstairs), went to the doctors hoping to get some `magical`antibiotic. NO, that was not for me - so I go back to the Oncologist and they suggest an emergency CT scan (well as an outpatient that is within 2 weeks); so once again I am back to being a medical mystery!! At this point I would like to swear but you will not be able to hear me, so I will simply say "crap!!".

I have kept this new information rather quiet, because life is not just about me - David and Harriet still have exams, Andrew is just changing jobs and the cooking, shopping and general everyday life still goes on (with its little hiccups and concerns). So if you read this and think that I am being brave, just remember that I am human and still get upset / sad.
But I also want to share in your life experiences whether that be good news or bad, laughing or crying, and do not forget the partying.

Love

Kathryn X

p.s. Andrew has man flu, but is still giving me cuddles, laughing and sharing jokes with me and the kids. I love him so much XXX

Agadiar in Morocco

View from the balcony:

Yes we could see all the way out to sea, the hotel was right on the promenade but in its own grounds (which were very well kept). Food (good), drinks (plentiful), hotel (lovely) and just a short walk to the main town. Overall Agadiar was not a sprawling place and there was a marina, souks, cafes, restaurants and the mad taxis!!! Oh the orange taxis are an experience in themselves (these are the petite taxis for 2 / 3 people), however you may have to hang onto the door in case it falls off!!! Seat belts are optional (or not there!), and there is no clear give way on roundabouts - on the plus side, they are cheap and cheerful.

On our way to Essaouria (4hour drive by coach), we saw goats climbing trees to eat, camels in the wild and `park and ride`donkeys; yes people park there donkeys and get a bus to the nearest market, then on there return load there donkeys and head home (can we have this service for Waitrose? - well it would be carbon neutral). It also seemed that people lived in the middle of nowhere and we saw people just walking eventhough we seemed not to be near a village or town. So you see a `basic`side of life and the souks reflected the local peoples life of going to the market daily. Essaouria old town was pretty, with walled souks, fishing marina and a slow pace to life. On the other hand Marrakech was full of hustle and bustle with mopeds, donkeys and people busying themselves in the central area of Djemaa el Fna. The souks were busy with traders making leather goods to welding, and you certainly got fresh chickens, take your pick from the cage! (well it is better than having them sitting on the self covered in plastic for a week!!). We saw Riads (which were like boutique hotels), the Bahia Palace and the 11th century Koutoubia Mosque. People dressed in traditional cloths (djellabas), snake charmers and too much more to mention. We ate chicken, lemon and olive tangine, couscous and fruits - the meat was really tender, but the mint tea was an acquired taste.

Yes at times I felt tired and that is when Andrew and I put our feet up with a glass of wine or two in the hotels pool bar. We a laughed lots, met some really nice people and the locals were really friendly. Only one more thing to say - we missed the kids and would love to go back and see more of Marrakech.

What trip can I plan next?

Love
Kathryn X

Morocco a very different place to visit.

Beach at Essaouria



Near to Djemma el Fna Marrakech

Sun and Sand.....go away rain!

Morocco - Well I have been given the all clear to fly, so Andrew and I are off for an adventure to Morocco. For some sun, sea and plenty of sand!! (well there is a lot of dessert in Morocco). Not sure about bartering for goods in the souks - we are not use to that in the UK. The guides that I have read say to "do it with a smile, and be friendly", ok, but can you walk away if you do not agree a price?

The kids are happy for us to go away and it is our treat for being together 20 years; a little holiday on our own to make more happy memories. Though I know that I will really, really miss David and Harriet - the chatter, laughter and the hugs (love them so much!!).But they need there space to grow as people and maybes cook other things apart from pizza or fish fingers and chips!! I am sure that they will get `adopted`when we are away and be offered meals (bless).

On the way back Andrew and I are attending the Sarcoma UK conference for group facilitators/managers in Manchester. So we are going to hit the Trafford centre to do some late Christmas shopping - well I never do it early, you miss all the madness then and no excuse for regular coffee stops.

Love to you all (and cross everything that we get sunshine, please!!!).

Kathryn X

Emotions of living with the C word.

Well I feel no remorse at saying that I am living with cancer and am even happy to joke about looking so `well`. But I think people must be very naive to think that despite my smiling face; that there is no emotional impact on me as an individual. At times I want everything to go (not sure how to explain this???), just RIGHT and people to have a happy time together. But equally those expectations can affect my mood / or impact on others when my `expectations`are not met. If this upsets people, then I am truly sorry - but realistically do you know how you would react in THIS situation (yes I can cry and sometimes shout!! - better than having a complete breakdown I feel).
I feel that time is short for me and I want everyone / everything to be happy - but realise that these are unrealistic expectations and life goes on, in a normal roller coaster way. I do not want to burden people with my emotional feelings and the only real people who I truly speak to are Andrew, Harriet and David. Why should I complain? Friends and family have there own problems - without me adding to them.

Frightened that friends and family will leave us - when I show visible signs of being unwell. So put on the makeup and the smile!!

Love

Kathryn X

p.s. please feel free to post comments if you read this, it is always nice to hear from people.
p.s.s. More Sarcoma friends have been diagnosed as palliative care, makes me sad that they are also getting that news. Sending them virtual and real hugs and love XX

Remaining Breathless

Finally had an appointment with the Asthma specialist and had to huff, puff and blow into a variety of strange machines (red faced and puffed out cheeks is not a good look for any lady!!). Anyway they told me (what I could have told them !!), that the breathlessness and wheeze are down to the combination of tumour in upper right bronchus (blocking the airway), and the possibility that at times this is irritating the asthma / or creating infection behind the blockage. So basically there is no radical solution, or magic wand, or amazing cure!! Ok so they gave me an extra inhaler - but that is just to see if it helps; and no guarantees there.

Felt rather deflated (ha, ha!!) at this news; this damn cancer is taking my breath away - literally and there is very little that I can do about it. Just take the medicines and try and not rush too much and hope that I can stay away from hospital and any further breathing problems for as long as possible.

Trying to remain up beat and take each day at a time - but when you are not sure how well you will feel from one day to the next it is often difficult to plan things. However I will endeavour to carry on paryting for as long as I can stand (and that is with or without the alcohol!!).

Love

Kathryn X

p.s. I know that Andrew is finding this news hard - we all would like a cure, but have to face the future regardless.