Emotions of living with the C word.

Well I feel no remorse at saying that I am living with cancer and am even happy to joke about looking so `well`. But I think people must be very naive to think that despite my smiling face; that there is no emotional impact on me as an individual. At times I want everything to go (not sure how to explain this???), just RIGHT and people to have a happy time together. But equally those expectations can affect my mood / or impact on others when my `expectations`are not met. If this upsets people, then I am truly sorry - but realistically do you know how you would react in THIS situation (yes I can cry and sometimes shout!! - better than having a complete breakdown I feel).
I feel that time is short for me and I want everyone / everything to be happy - but realise that these are unrealistic expectations and life goes on, in a normal roller coaster way. I do not want to burden people with my emotional feelings and the only real people who I truly speak to are Andrew, Harriet and David. Why should I complain? Friends and family have there own problems - without me adding to them.

Frightened that friends and family will leave us - when I show visible signs of being unwell. So put on the makeup and the smile!!

Love

Kathryn X

p.s. please feel free to post comments if you read this, it is always nice to hear from people.
p.s.s. More Sarcoma friends have been diagnosed as palliative care, makes me sad that they are also getting that news. Sending them virtual and real hugs and love XX

Remaining Breathless

Finally had an appointment with the Asthma specialist and had to huff, puff and blow into a variety of strange machines (red faced and puffed out cheeks is not a good look for any lady!!). Anyway they told me (what I could have told them !!), that the breathlessness and wheeze are down to the combination of tumour in upper right bronchus (blocking the airway), and the possibility that at times this is irritating the asthma / or creating infection behind the blockage. So basically there is no radical solution, or magic wand, or amazing cure!! Ok so they gave me an extra inhaler - but that is just to see if it helps; and no guarantees there.

Felt rather deflated (ha, ha!!) at this news; this damn cancer is taking my breath away - literally and there is very little that I can do about it. Just take the medicines and try and not rush too much and hope that I can stay away from hospital and any further breathing problems for as long as possible.

Trying to remain up beat and take each day at a time - but when you are not sure how well you will feel from one day to the next it is often difficult to plan things. However I will endeavour to carry on paryting for as long as I can stand (and that is with or without the alcohol!!).

Love

Kathryn X

p.s. I know that Andrew is finding this news hard - we all would like a cure, but have to face the future regardless.

Mexican madness.

Harriet `Zorro`

Mexican 20th Anniversary Party!

Well we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary with a Mexican party; with tequila, sombreros, ponchos and red chillies!! I even managed to make some tequila sunrise cocktails, arriva!! Friends came from the north and south and Andrew and I were so happy that everyone wanted to take there time to celebrate with us. Friends dress up in the Mexican theme and Geogina came as tacos, there were cowboys/girls, Harriet and Jennifer opted for the Zorro theme and Andrew dressed as a Red Hot chili!! We have some great photos that John took of the evening which captures the true party madness - people laughing, drinking and having a mad time.

Thanks to all those that bought pressies (you shouldn't have), now we have a great stock of champagne for Andrew and I to enjoy on our weekend away in Windsor. It was great to see everyone and thank you all for making it such a wonderful evening.

Love to you all

Kathryn XXXX